There’s a question I hear far too often among people before or just starting a relationship.
Will this evolve into something? Is the other person really interested?
I personally learnt the question answers itself. If it is there, it is a no.
I know it because I have been there too. On both sides. I’ve been wondering wether the person I like likes me back and sees potential for a romantic relationship, or if it is just a “let’s see what happens”. But the full 100% of my relationships I’ve never had a doubt. When I’ve had it, I do not invest any further. I do not wonder. I do not fantasize about what could be. I do not project my crush and my longing on to the person I think I like. I do not challenge, or play hard to get, or test anyone. Because it doesn’t work.
Who would be happy with someone and wondering if they are loved? Wether their intimacy and brave heart and feelings are safe and answered?
If you wonder, if you hope, if you test the other, you are not looking or betting for love. You’re looking for approval and for an outside thing to let you know you’re lovable.
When a person sees your light and wants it, you’ll know. That’s all.
I’ve dated a person who came half the world to be with me, even when I asked him not to. Even when I said I didn’t think it would work.
I’ve dated a person who, before I showed him my writing, and therefore some very personal parts of my life, he knew it already because he had read every public piece I’d shared.
I’ve dated someone who knew how I took my coffee, what made me shy, what I did when I was sad or stressed or felt messed up. I remember he took pictures of me in the simplest moments because “he wanted to remember this time, and how I looked when I did that”.
I’ve dated someone who made me feel like the most beautiful, brilliant, and unique person in the planet at my lowest, most imperfect times. My psychologist told me: the best relationships are those in which both people think more of the other than they really are.
None of these things let me wonder.
If there’s room for doubt, it’s a no.
When people are emotionally unavailable, believe them. If they are uninterested in your work and your hobbies, believe them. If they don’t move you to rest, to be gentle with yourself, and to do what you love, believe them.
Loving a friend or a partner or a parent is not something heroic. But it is not something they owe to us either. It is a natural thirst for closeness and connection. And the only way to be close to someone is, well, getting involved. In their life, in their pain, in what is meaningful to them.
And when there’s closeness, there is no room for doubt.
Intimacy is what we are wired for. What we all hope for. Do not waste it on wondering. Save it for those who want you. All of you.